Skinny people bug me. They say things like, “Sometimes I forget to eat.” Now, I’ve forgotten my keys, my glasses, my computer passwords and my mother’s maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

My girlfriend forgets she that doesn’t make a lot of money. She goes into town on the Metra down to State Street and Michigan Avenue and spends like she’s from Oak Brook or something. She got into a real financial bind around the holidays, then had to buy a plane ticket at the last minute to go see her father in Cincinnati when he went into the hospital. So who had to bail her out? Me, Mr. Boyfriend, of course.

And it wasn’t like I was rolling in the pesos myself. But I have my car, paid for with cash, and I discovered that car title loans are available to guys like me. I love my girlfriend and her dad, so I got a loan at Midlothian Title Loans – it was all online, I got the money in one day, and she made it to Cleveland.

And I’ll never let her forget it.

By the way Midlothian is near Crestwood, Markham, Blue Island, Robbins, and Hazle Crest.

Because I am a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu”. For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, should anyone expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Sheesh. In my house, we really need to stick to our division of responsibilities. My wife, she’s good at her job, with the kids, with cooking and shopping. I’m in charge of the cars, household finances, the house and yard, the dog, and which brand of beer we keep on hand. All that and I work full time as well. We worked this arrangement out years ago.

So when we ran into a bad patch with money last year – medical emergencies, need I say more? – it was up to me to figure out what to do. Our credit cards were maxed, my commissions were down, we don’t have home equity because we bought the house in 2005, at the height of the market. And here in Homewood, it’s not like people talk much about what to do when the piggy bank is empty. I went on the Internet, searching for car title loans. But I didn’t want to have to go to one of those stores converted from a burger restaurant. What I found was online, Homewood Title Loans. They give you a car title loan based on the value of your paid-for car, and that was exactly our situation.

I got the money in a day, just beating the payment-due date by hours – and no shopping for tofu or tampons required.

By the way, Homewood is near Matteson, Olympia Fields, Hazel Crest, Markham, and Glenwood.

My sister is a nutritionist. She’s always telling me to eat more vegetables, less red meat. I told her red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I should know about that. I was at this diner off Dixie Highway last year that you always wondered about how clean it was. I had a hamburger, no big deal. Two days later I was in the hospital with food poisoning. Bad food poisoning. Needed an IV and everything. And I had insurance through my work, but a month later I got bills from all this stuff that wasn’t covered. Man, what a bad deal that was.

It was hard to figure out how to pay for all that. But I found a way. It’s with car title loans, which allows you to borrow money if your car is paid for. It can be an old car as much as a new car. It’s based on the resale value. So I went to Harvey Title Loans, right here and online. It took me ten minutes to do, and I got my money in the next day.

That beats meat, red or green, and I’m not even going to go into the vegetables.

By the way Harvey  is near Robbins, Midlothian, Alsip, Blue Island, and Markham.

I got in a little trouble at the office holiday party. It was open mike for jokes or singing, so I went into my blonde riff:

Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said “DON’T WALK”.
Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde’s eyes?
A: The back of her head.

I killed. But I forgot the Executive VP’s wife is platinum blonde. She was there, in the back where I didn’t see her, and I guess she’s not known for her mastery of rocket surgery.

Things have been dicey since then, and with the rumors of downsizing I’m trying to cover my trail everywhere. That includes knowing my financial backup — after severance (if they even have any), unemployment insurance and savings, I know my car is good for cash too. What I did in a pinch about a year ago was go to Crestwood Title Loans for some money. A car title loan is a smart way to get money online from an asset you own, not unlike a home equity loan.

It would suck to lose this job because I live in Midlothian and this job is in Crestwood, an easy drive mornings and evenings. Note to self: zip the lips, I’m not Jay Leno.

By the way Crestwood  is near Alsip, Evergreen Park, Robbins, Posen, and Markham.

It’s getting harder and harder to survive in this economy. Last week my boss called me in to tell me I’m on probation. I guess I pissed off the Chairman’s admin with my response to her email THAT CAME WITH ALL UPPER CASE LETTERS IN THE SUBJECT LINE. She was asking me if I COULD FIX THE PHOTOCOPY MACHINE ASAP!!!!

My response was subtle. I just said IT’S GOOD SHE USED ALL UPPERCASE BECAUSE THE MAIL SERVICE PICKS IT UP AND FLAGS IT FOR RUSH DELIVERY, and YEAH, BECAUSE THERE’S ELECTRONICS IN A PHOTOCOPIER WE’RE COPIER REPAIR PEOPLE TOO.

Perhaps I could have phrased it differently.

It would suck to lose my job, in part because I live in East Hazel Crest and my job is on 183rd Street, a five minute commute. But I do have a back up in case an unemployment situation leaves me short of funds. In a pinch for money a year ago, I discovered I can get a car title loan through Country Club Hills Title Loans.

Car title loans are fast, easy and you get your money in one day. All you have to do for a title loans is to hold title to your car (no payments remaining). And you don’t have to type anything in all caps to get approved ASAP.

By the way Country Club Hills is near Tinley Park, Frankfort, Markham, Harvey, and Matteson.

I was riding the Orange line downtown last week and met a woman who said she was a nurse. The conversation was friendly enough and so I asked a question that was bothering me: Should I have a baby after 35? She looked at me real funny, and said no one should have 35 children. I clarified things for her, but the conversation took a different tone after that.

Which makes you wonder how people get around in the world. We all deal with the challenges of life – family, careers, finances – and you have to be resourceful to make it sometimes. With this economy, I’ve had to look into ways to make ends meet with a disabled husband and (just) one child. I’ve been working two part time jobs for a couple years now, and then one employer just closed up shop in October. I thought about selling my car, but with two children it’s very hard to not have a car.

That’s when I learned about Blue Island Title Loans. A car title loan let’s you get money from your car without selling it. It’s done on the internet, so it’s easy and fast. With my title loan I was able to get some things my kids needed while I looked for another job.

By the way Blue Island is near Robbins, Riverdale, Markham, Harvey, and Pullman.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

And that didn’t go over too well with either of them. I thought having one here in Alsip and another in Wrigleyville in Chicago would keep them both off the trail (Alsip girl figured out that since I was a Sox fan it didn’t make sense I was going to Cubs games so much).

So at this point I have no steady girlfriends. Which is a darn shame because I have a little more time on my hands since losing my job in November. And here’s the kicker: I was carrying a Visa bill from our last trip together in October when we (Alsip honey) went to the Cayman Islands. Great trip, terrific memories, neat pictures on the computer, tan long gone. But I still owe about $1200 on that one, and my credit card company is charging me this crazy 28% interest, so I know it doesn’t make sense to carry it forward. So I got a car title loan on my Jeep, a $1200 cash advance at a lower rate from Alsip Title Loans. One of my better decisions lately.

By the way Alsip is near Midlothian, Markham, Crestwood, Blue Island, and Oak Lawn.