My wife has her pretentious friend and her blowhard husband from Geneva come over for dinner about every six months. I tried to fake being sick the last time but she figured out my plan when she saw I was scheduled to play golf the next morning.

Anyway, the last time they were here they were using their French they were studying in preparation for a trip there. Like we didn’t all backpack through Paris when we were in college, looking for Jim Morrison’s grave? Since we were having a barbecue I casually mentioned “dijon vu – the same mustard as before,” and they totally bought it.  Idiots.

I also laughed when I heard they never took that trip to France.  Seems like a little layoff problem got in the way. Not like any of us are immune.  I’ve been consulting now for two years since I took my package from the bank. It’s a good life sometimes, but sometimes you’re waiting on an invoice and some bills come due and you’re not sure how to pull it off.  That’s why I am quite familiar with St. Charles Title Loans.  They spot me with cash against my Lexus just when I need it.  Last time I took $4000, the time before $5000. You get the money in a day, pay your bills, then pay off that one when your own money comes in.  I’ve kept a clean credit record despite all adverse circumstances.

Take that to France, losers.

By the way St Charles is near, Addison, Downers Grove, Naperville, Winfield, and York.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Tuesday isn’t much better.  But isn’t that a lesson, to just keep plugging until you get to the next place.  Which is hump day, then Thursday, which kinda feels like Friday, and then Friday and the weekend.

I’m not one to wish my life away. In fact, I’ve noticed that with time come new bills. Oh joy. But the bills have to be paid, just as sure as there’s a Monday sometime within the next week.

I came up short a few months ago due to an illness in the family in Chicago.  I was working all day, then driving up the Stevenson every night (fun, not) to the hospital.  Between the gas costs and helping out on some of the expenses, I was out about $400 when it came time to pay bills.

I went to a car title loan store for the cash. At least this way I knew I could keep everything paid.  I went to Romeoville Title Loans because they’re all on the Internet. The money was fast and I have been gradually paying it off. I took care of family and my bills and now, this year, I hope to take care of myself — seven days a week.

By the way Romeoville is near Bolingbrook, Naperville, Downers Grove, Willowbrook, and Darien.

I think 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

See, I just did it.  And so too, I think, did my husband’s friend, who talked him into a dumb investment.  Two years ago, Lenny, the friend, had this idea of building little puppet trucks – I’m not making this up – that are little puppet theaters in a box, attached to the back of bicycles.  The puppeteers ride these bikes to any location where there is pedestrian traffic, do little shows (ha – they play music and the puppets basically dance to it, there’s no story line or talking or anything) and then people put money in the little jar that one of the puppets holds out. Lenny said he saw this in Europe and decided to franchise the idea. It was going to be the next McDonald’s, he said. He worked out some numbers that said we’d be millionaires in about six months.

They spent about $4000 on the bikes, the puppet boxes, puppets, music systems, and then ran ads on Craigslist trying to find employees.  No one applied.  OK, one strange little man did, but he was worried he might not be able to handle the bike.  He asked if we could do that for him.  Lenny thought maybe I, ME, would try it for a weekend.  At Oak Brook Center.  I’m so sure. The whole thing never took off.

Well, with the economic problems and a car repair, I wanted the $2000 back.  Too late — already spent.  So I went to Oak Brook Title Loans, a fast way to get cash when you need it.  A car title loans store works off the value of your car – not your puppet bikes – which can come in real handy. A car title loan is a sure thing, unlike other certain entrepreneurial concepts …

Anyone wanna buy a fleet of puppet theaters attached to bikes?

Oak Brook is also near, Hinsdale, Westmont, Downers Grove, Villa Park, and Elmhurst.

My dopey brother said the other day he was lost in thought. That must have been unfamiliar territory for him.

He’s just not the brightest bulb, ya know?  He got his first job last year, at a rental car company at O’Hare, and what does he do with his first paycheck?  Bought a Wii.  The guy doesn’t have two pairs of shoes, and that’s where his money goes. He’s driving our mom’s old Buick everywhere – she gave it to him – and when he drove over a concrete curb in a parking lot, he discovered that catalytic converter replacements cost $900.  Which is two weeks pay for him.  Of course he didn’t have it saved up or anything.

So I showed him online where to go. I did this myself once. I use Northlake Title Loans, a car title loans company that you go to online.  It’s pretty easy, even for a dimbulb like him. He got the money the next day and got his car fixed in time for the auto emissions inspection. And it makes total sense – use the value in your car to fix your car to keep it running.

Everyone should have a sister as smart as me.

Northlake is near, Hinsdalew, Western Springs, Downers Grove, La Grange, and Westchester.

Did you hear about the new “Divorce Barbie”? It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

Boy, don’t I know that one. My ex-wife didn’t look anything like a Barbie doll, but she got my stuff anyway. My boat, the Mini Cooper, the house and half the vacation house – for a while I thought I might have to go live in the Morton Arboretum.

I kept my Ticonderoga, which was a good thing. It’s paid for, and I use it to go everywhere. And now I use it to finance a loan — a car title loan, to be exact. I had knee surgery last summer, and even though I have good insurance I got stuck with a bunch of charges and the therapy wasn’t covered. So after the divorce and all the lawyer fees, I had to come up with $3300 bucks one month. That’s when I went online and found Lisle Title Loans. Unlike the car title loans stores you see in bad strip malls, this is easy, fast and your money arrives in one day. Got me through that scrape – and kinda made me laugh, thinking about how “Barbie” is still making payments on that Mini Cooper and can’t get this kind of loan.

By the way Lisle is near Naperville, Warrenville, Boling Brook, Downers Grove, and Hinsdale.

I’ve been job searching for about six months now.  In this economy, it’s pretty tough.  So my friend, Bubba, gave me some advice on what to say and not say in job interviews:

• Don’t ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
• Don’t constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’
  
• After detailing your greatest achievement, don’t qualify with, ‘Of course I was totally hammered at the time.’
  
• Don’t claim you wouldn’t even need a day job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for ’2000 Flushes’.
  
• Don’t over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

So far, I’ve stuck with this list.  But in the meantime, I needed to make some car repairs so I could actually go on interviews, and didn’t have $600 just lying around waiting for such things.  So I looked into car title loans on the Internet and found Downers Grove Title Loans, a great, easy place to find cash fast.  Now that you can get a car title loan on the internet, there’s no need to go to some slimey store and wait around for an approval.  The funds were transferred electronically to my bank account in a day, and I was able to make those repairs happen in time for my next interview.

By the way Downers Grove is near Westmont, Willowbrook, Woodridge, Hinsdale, and Glen Ellyn.

I love my wife.  She’s gorgeous and has a big heart.  But she’s blonde and fits the stereotype.  Some of the standard jokes fit her.  For example:
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

She locks the keys in the car all the time.  We’ve had to call a tow service four times in the past six months.
Q: What does a postcard from a blonde’s vacation say?
A: Having a fantastic time. Where am I?

We planned a trip to go see my sister’s family in Fayetteville, South Carolina.  She booked a trip to Fayetteville, Arkansas.  The plane was in the air before we realized what happened.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say “Hello”

This doesn’t really happen.  Or did it when she was a kid?

Either way, there is a price to pay for her being this, uh, challenged.  Changing our trip plans to the correct Fayetteville cost $1400 and ten hours of flying, layovers and connections. More than twice I’ve been caught up short on money, enough to postpone some important home and car repairs.  But I got to thinking about car title loans one such time, and the more I looked into it the more sense they made.  I decided to use Darien Title Loans — it’s a car title loan company that is all online, fast, easy, and the money is sent electronically to your checking account.

My wife asked me where we got the money to fix the roof on the garage.  I told her it was from the car.  “OK,” she said, no questions beyond that.  God, I love her.

By the way Darien is near Woodridge, Willowbrook, Lemont, Romeoville, and Downers Grove.