Skinny people bug me. They say things like, “Sometimes I forget to eat.” Now, I’ve forgotten my keys, my glasses, my computer passwords and my mother’s maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

My girlfriend forgets she that doesn’t make a lot of money. She goes into town on the Metra down to State Street and Michigan Avenue and spends like she’s from Oak Brook or something. She got into a real financial bind around the holidays, then had to buy a plane ticket at the last minute to go see her father in Cincinnati when he went into the hospital. So who had to bail her out? Me, Mr. Boyfriend, of course.

And it wasn’t like I was rolling in the pesos myself. But I have my car, paid for with cash, and I discovered that car title loans are available to guys like me. I love my girlfriend and her dad, so I got a loan at Midlothian Title Loans – it was all online, I got the money in one day, and she made it to Cleveland.

And I’ll never let her forget it.

By the way Midlothian is near Crestwood, Markham, Blue Island, Robbins, and Hazle Crest.

I got in a little trouble at the office holiday party. It was open mike for jokes or singing, so I went into my blonde riff:

Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said “DON’T WALK”.
Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde’s eyes?
A: The back of her head.

I killed. But I forgot the Executive VP’s wife is platinum blonde. She was there, in the back where I didn’t see her, and I guess she’s not known for her mastery of rocket surgery.

Things have been dicey since then, and with the rumors of downsizing I’m trying to cover my trail everywhere. That includes knowing my financial backup — after severance (if they even have any), unemployment insurance and savings, I know my car is good for cash too. What I did in a pinch about a year ago was go to Crestwood Title Loans for some money. A car title loan is a smart way to get money online from an asset you own, not unlike a home equity loan.

It would suck to lose this job because I live in Midlothian and this job is in Crestwood, an easy drive mornings and evenings. Note to self: zip the lips, I’m not Jay Leno.

By the way Crestwood  is near Alsip, Evergreen Park, Robbins, Posen, and Markham.

I lost my job as an IT specialist in my company late last year.  There was a downsizing, but I think I know why I was the first one cut in the department. One of the VPs called one day because he was experiencing a malfunction, which was clearly a result of his failure to follow instructions we provided.  The e-mail we sent a week earlier said “high importance, must do” in the subject line.  So what I told him was those words, “high importance” really means “delete this because you’re too busy.”

That guy never had a sense of humor anyway.  Plus, the job was in Niles and I live in Calumet.  Killer commute in this Chicago traffic.

However, unemployment in this economy pretty much sucks.  So when I ran up against some unexpected expenses, I had to scratch around to find some fast cash.  That’s when I stumbled upon Cook County Title Loans.  This is a car title loans company that operates in the Internet era – no going to some scary store, waiting in line, talking to some lady through a plate glass window.  You sign on, fill out the forms, get approved, and get your money the next day.  All you need for a car title loan is to own your car (no payments remaining).

From now on, I keep the snide remarks inside my head.  Things are safer there.

By the way Cook County is near Oak Lawn, Worth, Palos Hieghts, Crestwood, and Riverdale.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

And that didn’t go over too well with either of them. I thought having one here in Alsip and another in Wrigleyville in Chicago would keep them both off the trail (Alsip girl figured out that since I was a Sox fan it didn’t make sense I was going to Cubs games so much).

So at this point I have no steady girlfriends. Which is a darn shame because I have a little more time on my hands since losing my job in November. And here’s the kicker: I was carrying a Visa bill from our last trip together in October when we (Alsip honey) went to the Cayman Islands. Great trip, terrific memories, neat pictures on the computer, tan long gone. But I still owe about $1200 on that one, and my credit card company is charging me this crazy 28% interest, so I know it doesn’t make sense to carry it forward. So I got a car title loan on my Jeep, a $1200 cash advance at a lower rate from Alsip Title Loans. One of my better decisions lately.

By the way Alsip is near Midlothian, Markham, Crestwood, Blue Island, and Oak Lawn.