I know a few tricks in life that work really well:

1. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
2. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
3. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

My latest one is something I discovered when I had an emergency trip to take.  Actually, it was to meet this girl I met online. Which may not sound like an emergency to some people, but if you saw her, the sirens and lights would be going off. She was in South Carolina, and the airfare was $450.  Where did I find that kinda moolah?  In my car.  Specifically, from a car title loan at Willow Springs Title Loans. They get you your money ASAP, which in this case was kinda important.

That trip went really, really well. I regret not one bit of it.

By the way Willow Springs is near Countryside, hickory Hills, Hodgkins, Indian Head Park, and Justice.

Because I’m a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell my girlfriend every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. I ask her to not behave as if she does not find this fascinating.

Because, as a man, there are certainties in life that I appreciate, for better or worse. Snow falls in winter. There will be potholes even on the Stevenson where I drive to work every day. Construction will tie up traffic on the Stevenson in summer. I must leave the house earlier.

And expenses hit when you least expect them. And can afford them. So when I had to travel a lot last fall to take care of my mother, hospitalized and going into assisted living in Florida, there were a lot of plane trips I had to take at high prices. As an only child, that was a non-negotiable. I racked up $3000 in airfares and maxed the credit card. So I went online, found a car title loans company that had just the deal for me. LaGrange Title Loans allowed me to get cash in 24 hours, based on the value of my car (which is paid for). It was very easy, and in that time I was able to keep the credit card charges covered without a big ugly hit on my credit rating.

The Boss rules, Morrison lives, and I know my car can dodge the potholes as I manuever the bills.

By the way LaGrange is near Western Springs, McCook, Brookfield, Countryside, and Burr Ridge.

Here’s my advice to the men of world: Don’t get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It’s a lot easier on you.

I did love my exwife for the year we dated. The 18 years we were actually married were another story. And now that the divorce is final, it just amazes me how I had to buy back my half of the house from her that my earnings paid for in the first place. And that doesn’t account for all that Ann Taylor Nieman Marcus Manolo Blahnik stuff she rang up on the AmEx all those years. She got herself a townhouse in Burr Ridge where she’s probably being a cougar to all the helpless young bucks there. Good riddance.

But I kept the cars: the Mercedes for work, and the SUV for weekends in Indiana (a guy can’t spend his whole life in Hinsdale if he’s smart). And oddly, those cars were a source of $5000 I needed for a little business investment during the divorce. I didn’t want anything technically on the books at that time so I took out a car title loan for the money. The great thing about car title loans – I went to Hinsdale Title Loans online – is that you get the cash in 24 hours. Which is what I needed.

I’m dating again. And that’s all the further it goes. Works for me. I can’t afford to buy my house a third time.

By the way Hinsdale is near Western Springs, La Grange, Countryside, Burr Ridge, and Willowbrook.

I lost my job last year, so I decided to go into comedy. My schtick is that I’m a blonde and tell blonde jokes. Get it? For example:

Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17 (no under 17′s) rating? A: Went home and got 16 friends.
Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries?

A: She’s got a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?

A: There’s a stamp on it.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: Threw it off a cliff.

Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin em’ with hammers.

My girlfriends think I’m funny. But I’m still working the open mike nights, not getting any offers from Zanies or any of the other clubs just yet. So I’m doing part time temp work, and when I needed money for a course I wanted to take, I went to Countryside Title Loans, a car title loans company that loans you money on the basis of the value of your car. Easy! I felt that my investment in my future was worth doing this. No joke!

By the way Western Springs, La Grange, McCook, Brookfield, and Burr Ridge.