I heard my brother and his friends arguing the other day over this question: How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

What do you expect from guys in their 20s who regular watch Sponge Bob Square Pants, then Green Acres, every Thursday night over beers. I think this is why we’re in an economic recession.

Strangely, I did pick up an idea from one of his friends. This guy has a decent job in Evergreen Park, but otherwise is as stupid as my brother.  Anyway, he’s always spending money on stupid stuff and then short of cash to pay his rent, for food, insurance, and other things.  So when he gets in a scrape, he gets a car title loan to help him catch up. He goes on an austerity budget, pays the loan back, then the next thing he does is buy a playstation or something.

Well I needed some money a few weeks ago, so I asked him where people go for car title loans.  Turns out, they’re all online now.  So I went to Oak Lawn Title Loans, filled out the application, and I got the money in a day.  Could not have been easier.

Then he asked me for a date. I told him no, I didn’t want to deprive him of time with Sponge Bob and his friends.

Oak Lawn is also near, Evergreen Park, Washington Heights, Englewood, Chicago Ridge, and Alsip.

My sister is a nutritionist. She’s always telling me to eat more vegetables, less red meat. I told her red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I should know about that. I was at this diner off Dixie Highway last year that you always wondered about how clean it was. I had a hamburger, no big deal. Two days later I was in the hospital with food poisoning. Bad food poisoning. Needed an IV and everything. And I had insurance through my work, but a month later I got bills from all this stuff that wasn’t covered. Man, what a bad deal that was.

It was hard to figure out how to pay for all that. But I found a way. It’s with car title loans, which allows you to borrow money if your car is paid for. It can be an old car as much as a new car. It’s based on the resale value. So I went to Harvey Title Loans, right here and online. It took me ten minutes to do, and I got my money in the next day.

That beats meat, red or green, and I’m not even going to go into the vegetables.

By the way Harvey  is near Robbins, Midlothian, Alsip, Blue Island, and Markham.

I got in a little trouble at the office holiday party. It was open mike for jokes or singing, so I went into my blonde riff:

Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said “DON’T WALK”.
Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde’s eyes?
A: The back of her head.

I killed. But I forgot the Executive VP’s wife is platinum blonde. She was there, in the back where I didn’t see her, and I guess she’s not known for her mastery of rocket surgery.

Things have been dicey since then, and with the rumors of downsizing I’m trying to cover my trail everywhere. That includes knowing my financial backup — after severance (if they even have any), unemployment insurance and savings, I know my car is good for cash too. What I did in a pinch about a year ago was go to Crestwood Title Loans for some money. A car title loan is a smart way to get money online from an asset you own, not unlike a home equity loan.

It would suck to lose this job because I live in Midlothian and this job is in Crestwood, an easy drive mornings and evenings. Note to self: zip the lips, I’m not Jay Leno.

By the way Crestwood  is near Alsip, Evergreen Park, Robbins, Posen, and Markham.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

And that didn’t go over too well with either of them. I thought having one here in Alsip and another in Wrigleyville in Chicago would keep them both off the trail (Alsip girl figured out that since I was a Sox fan it didn’t make sense I was going to Cubs games so much).

So at this point I have no steady girlfriends. Which is a darn shame because I have a little more time on my hands since losing my job in November. And here’s the kicker: I was carrying a Visa bill from our last trip together in October when we (Alsip honey) went to the Cayman Islands. Great trip, terrific memories, neat pictures on the computer, tan long gone. But I still owe about $1200 on that one, and my credit card company is charging me this crazy 28% interest, so I know it doesn’t make sense to carry it forward. So I got a car title loan on my Jeep, a $1200 cash advance at a lower rate from Alsip Title Loans. One of my better decisions lately.

By the way Alsip is near Midlothian, Markham, Crestwood, Blue Island, and Oak Lawn.